Dear diary.

Maybe I’m thinking..

I want someone who could just bring those butterflies back in my stomach; someone I’d be willing to walk hand-in-hand with.

I want to feel those magical moments I’m seeing in the big screen, watch those exhilarating fireworks with someone I truly care about or just be with that man gazing up at the sky when all stars are out.

I never know how great falling in love is. And I surely want to be on a sugar high when that moment finally comes.

Until then, I might just stay here; WAITING. WANTING. WISHING. :)

sometimes I feel like I want to rush things. But no. I’ll keep on waiting for you.

whoever you are:)

see you in 2011? or the next years to come? :)

I was talking to my 5 year old cousin who’s in kindergarten the other day. She told me now she only had a colouring sheet for homework. I told her how I wished I was in kindergarten again. She looked at me with the most serious face and said “No you don’t. All kids do is steal your crayons, break them in half, and walk away.” I said to her in my most serious face “Yes that might be true, but in high school boys steal your heart, break them in half and walk away.

P.S I'm still not over you..

Saw. YOU. again. makes me =))))

A VERY SHORT OF LOVE.

and then pop it goes my heart...

it was 26th day of June 2010 when i first met him. he's a stranger but i guess i already like him the very first moment my eyes crossed with his. He's a very intelligent looking, quiet type, charming and a very man-like. This was the first time i suddenly felt as if i was electrified by his looks. I guess he really looks good and interesting. As days passed by, my friends started teasing me and i started to hear facts about him that leads me to like him more. However, that feeling suddenly melt slowly down.

COMPLICATED WORLD.

He has a girlfriend but at that time, they were not in good terms already. i was hurt, they call it pain.

The world goes up and down. I receive a text message from my friend na we're going to watch movie . i didn't expect na he's coming with us. we exchange messages since then. he admitted that he likes me from the start and was in doubt to approach me. but then, it was fate that leads me to him. Marius and our friends were our fate.

He came along and started to change my life. It was like feeling of heaven and he was like an answered prayer.

we talk, we text each other every single moment, we go out together, we hang out and laugh together, we watch movies, we go to mall, we eat dinner together. we hold hands, we totally spend our whole time together.

It was always together. It was 24th day of July, we were officially together. from that night, i knew he is it. the one i will truly love and will always love.. i was never wrong. we were so happy spending more and more time together. My mom knew all things about him that's because i never ran out of stories and good things about him that made my mom accept and love him as well. although my kuya was against us. i never had any reason not to fight for him. i always see him worth fighting for.

July 2010 was a Disney land world full of excitement, Happiness and surprises because he is in my world. we do crazy things together. were open at everything. i guess that is one reason why our relationship went stronger and stronger. he was never a part of my life. when he came along; he was already my life, my world, my everything. he is all i wish and wanted. one man i will truly love and appreciate.

But one day, everything changed. my next duty rotation time is 2-10pm. it was like hell not seeing him for 4days, 24hours, and minutes. but he always makes time to text me and update me from all the frustrations his classes and plates brought him and as expected i was there with my sleepless nights in front of my cellphone controlling my eyes not to shut off just to answer back his messages. i was so restless but still manage to smile because of him. the day came. it's our first month. we saw hugged, kissed each other. and again i was electrified and intensified by his presence.

The unwanted part, days after, i was feeling something i was afraid i would ever feel since he gotten into my life. his feeling of coldness went and rushed into my veins and started killing me. although the veins of pain and arteries of confusion runs into my body. still my mind keeps telling my system that he made a promise and he'll never break that. i guess thats how much i treasure every word he utters.

Days had passed and it was still his coldness that i'm feeling. i find myself crying from nights and days. alone, without him knowing what i was goin' through. i never ask him anything nor try to reach him from answers i wanted to know.

Until one day, we saw each other and i gave him the t-shirt that i made for him. the t-shirt that i was so eager to give him. after giving him, all he had said was thank you. from that moment, i wanted to slap him into his face and cry. but again i still stand and think of his promise.

Then i realize that i always find myself crying. i have my friends telling me to stop myself from crying. but tears suddenly runs down into my face striking every beat of my heart.

He texted me very often, but then i always keep his promise and he'll never break that.

The darkest day of my life. He texted me. he has something to say but doesn't know how he will start saying it. My legs were shaking as i was reading the message. as i darkly summarize his message saying na "habang tumatagal nawawala na" same as falling out of love.

that made me asked myself kung minahal ba talaga niya ko. it all happened so fast.

My knees fall apart. i can barely breath and i was crying so hard, good thing is i was with my friends at that time. i can feel the adrenaline rush into my veins. my nervous system was stucked connected with my frozen circulatory. my heart wasn't functioning.

i asked him if he is serious and he answered it "kahit naman kasi ayusin pa, hindi na rin magwowork."

i ask him to make a choice.

another intensified freezing moment. "ayoko na"

September 23. It all ended from there

it was so hard for me to think that it was all over. that it was all up to that day. that it was all done.

i can't utter any word after reading his message. i was frozen with my heart not working.

i was left alone. he left me all alone and broke his promises. the thought that i never believed in still fated to happen.

i guess that's really how a love story ends and how fate ends as well.

it's simply being left by someone we love.

someone who we thought would not hurt us but still chooses to hurt US.

someone like HIM that i started loving with all of me and yet ending up hurting and leaving me.

-KAITEE

I wanna smile again, as in smile because I'm happy

I'm tired of faking that smile

I'm tired of faking that laugh

I'm tired of being happy for something that hurts me

It's like trying to be someone you're not

I wanna smile and know everything's alright

I wanna say "Yes, I'm fine." without pretending

I wanna get that shot

I wanna get that chance

I wanna have the experience

The experience of true happiness

I wanna get out of here with a smile

I want to be HAPPY.

U-TURN

I was traveling to somewhere I never thought will bring me to waste. I opened my heart that was closed for a long time for the person whom I thought is worth it to have the love that I can give. Oh well, I was wrong, my friends told me things at first, yet I did not listen. I still gave that person a chance to prove something for himself. I found out a lot of things about him, family stuffs and many more, then there I understood his reason on acting so naive and self-centered. Knowing those, gave me the motivation to help him be what he should be, to change for the better. But I failed. I don’t know what happened but it’s all about him being so loose and making me feel stupid on the run. I was disappointed on where this journey had ended. I have done things to help this work, but sorry to say MY EFFORT wasn’t enough. Now I’m not hearing anything from him, then I have this feeling that he had found his NEW GIRL. I really don’t know if I have to react on this, knowing na hindi ko pa talaga siya kilala. Hahahaha:) funny right?! I just made myself hurt by this nonsense. as I say before, I was so ready to move forward and travel along the way with him, but I was stuck on a very heavy traffic at the middle of my way there, good thing I found a U-turn slot, then I decided to just go back. I just chose to be happy and not to make things complicated for me.

To that person; Thanks anyway for making me smile for just a little while. Just remember that whatever problems you encounter in life, especially with regards to your family, just face them WITH A SMILE. Kaya mo yan. go lang ng go! Hahaha:) and Thanks for hurting me, because I know after this, I will be stronger than ever. Goodbye, MAC.

-KT ANGELA

I have to let go.

i am not bitter about everything that happened, at least now i learned how to give my heart.I knew how to love others,how to be unselfish with your happiness. It's kinda awkward to think that i knew that every story has always come to an end, but i never think of it while the story is with me. I'm just enjoying every part of it.I lied with my own feelings. I became a great pretender. I have to wear a mask,to show them, Hey, i 'm Strong! I'm a good player, but the truth is; I fell and i lost the game. The Man who picked me up from the crowd, now leaving without any traces.He doesn't want to leave,really. But i have to let him go. He couldn't take care of my heart anymore. I deserve to be happy. I wanted to believe his every promise,his every word, his every whisper, but too much pain telling me not to hold on anymore. I love him so much,i could shout it at the top of my lungs.I wanted to breathe with him.I am contented with him.But,LOVE AIN'T JUST ENOUGH. I am trying to understand him,i try,i try but i can't hold on anymore. I wanted to believe that this is something real, that it's just a part of it, but i can't. How much i try, i can't. I missed the happiest part of my life. I can't wait anymore. I can't stay this way anymore. I can't.

My heart really wants to stay,but my hate overpowered my pure heart. I believe time will come that these words will lead us back together. Maybe, i am a fool,waiting for that time to come, and if that time didn't come along. It will always be a Beautiful Memory. I don't have to feel bitter. Life is beautiful even though i am bleeding.

-Kaitee’s heart

Life's been rough.

And to be honest, it's hard to keep crying everyday.

The only person I could run and talk to right now, is God. It's a given that he'll always be there for me :) Well, all of us of course :)

Pero ewan, I know that I should be happy with my life. But lately I've been giving up :( Giving up on love, Giving up on my dreams and everything else. And I'm actually starting to give up on myself.

I know there will be a day when I'll be able to smile because I'm just happy.

I hope happiness is on its way.

you make me feel worthless.

Did you ever had a day when you feel like just existing is just too much to bear? that the things done to you by the one you love makes you feel like stir-fried shit? that they make you feel like finding a bottle of pills and ending it all? well that’s how i feel right now.i really hate this feeling :(( i don’t know if i should believe the things he is saying :(( am really confused :(( he always tells me that he loves me, but there are times that he makes me feel like am worthless just like now. sometimes he is sweet as hell and can make you feel that your the only girl existing, but there are times (like now) that he makes you feel that your a nobody. am really confused and it sucks! i don’t know if i should be angry or what!, i don’t even know if i still have the right to be angry at him I’m getting tired of this :(( crying almost everyday :(( do i even deserve this?? :(( its all fucked up! :((

shoot me!!

Lord, I know we go through this every day

But please give me the knowledge

As to why I actually wanted to go to nursing school.

Lord, give me the strength to make it

Through those boring three hour lectures without falling asleep.

Lord, please give me the patience to make it

Through eight hour duty with instructors

That can't just give you the right answer

And on the same note,

Give the nurses the ability to remember what it was like to be a student

And give us just a little more respect.

Lord, give me the endurance to read all the assigned readings

And be able to remember it when I am taking a test with four right answers.

Lord, give my family and friends

The ability to realize I really am on the edge of insanity.

Finally,

Lord, give me the vision to see that one day

I will be a real nurse and I will never have to wear this ugly uniform again.