I hate that whenever I talk to you, I have to be someone else. I have to be nice and all. But I cannot be nice all the time. We all have different moods, you know that. I guess I have to find someone else/some other friend who will accept me no matter what mood I am in, or how I negatively I act sometimes.
I just think that it’s unfair. Because when you’re down or when you are angry at someone, I stay. But you, when I’m not in a good state, you drift away. You ignore me.

This is for the broken hearted. I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who see's. Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...

Dear diary.

Maybe I’m thinking..

I want someone who could just bring those butterflies back in my stomach; someone I’d be willing to walk hand-in-hand with.

I want to feel those magical moments I’m seeing in the big screen, watch those exhilarating fireworks with someone I truly care about or just be with that man gazing up at the sky when all stars are out.

I never know how great falling in love is. And I surely want to be on a sugar high when that moment finally comes.

Until then, I might just stay here; WAITING. WANTING. WISHING. :)

sometimes I feel like I want to rush things. But no. I’ll keep on waiting for you.

whoever you are:)

see you in 2011? or the next years to come? :)

I was talking to my 5 year old cousin who’s in kindergarten the other day. She told me now she only had a colouring sheet for homework. I told her how I wished I was in kindergarten again. She looked at me with the most serious face and said “No you don’t. All kids do is steal your crayons, break them in half, and walk away.” I said to her in my most serious face “Yes that might be true, but in high school boys steal your heart, break them in half and walk away.

P.S I'm still not over you..

Saw. YOU. again. makes me =))))

A VERY SHORT OF LOVE.

and then pop it goes my heart...

it was 26th day of June 2010 when i first met him. he's a stranger but i guess i already like him the very first moment my eyes crossed with his. He's a very intelligent looking, quiet type, charming and a very man-like. This was the first time i suddenly felt as if i was electrified by his looks. I guess he really looks good and interesting. As days passed by, my friends started teasing me and i started to hear facts about him that leads me to like him more. However, that feeling suddenly melt slowly down.

COMPLICATED WORLD.

He has a girlfriend but at that time, they were not in good terms already. i was hurt, they call it pain.

The world goes up and down. I receive a text message from my friend na we're going to watch movie . i didn't expect na he's coming with us. we exchange messages since then. he admitted that he likes me from the start and was in doubt to approach me. but then, it was fate that leads me to him. Marius and our friends were our fate.

He came along and started to change my life. It was like feeling of heaven and he was like an answered prayer.

we talk, we text each other every single moment, we go out together, we hang out and laugh together, we watch movies, we go to mall, we eat dinner together. we hold hands, we totally spend our whole time together.

It was always together. It was 24th day of July, we were officially together. from that night, i knew he is it. the one i will truly love and will always love.. i was never wrong. we were so happy spending more and more time together. My mom knew all things about him that's because i never ran out of stories and good things about him that made my mom accept and love him as well. although my kuya was against us. i never had any reason not to fight for him. i always see him worth fighting for.

July 2010 was a Disney land world full of excitement, Happiness and surprises because he is in my world. we do crazy things together. were open at everything. i guess that is one reason why our relationship went stronger and stronger. he was never a part of my life. when he came along; he was already my life, my world, my everything. he is all i wish and wanted. one man i will truly love and appreciate.

But one day, everything changed. my next duty rotation time is 2-10pm. it was like hell not seeing him for 4days, 24hours, and minutes. but he always makes time to text me and update me from all the frustrations his classes and plates brought him and as expected i was there with my sleepless nights in front of my cellphone controlling my eyes not to shut off just to answer back his messages. i was so restless but still manage to smile because of him. the day came. it's our first month. we saw hugged, kissed each other. and again i was electrified and intensified by his presence.

The unwanted part, days after, i was feeling something i was afraid i would ever feel since he gotten into my life. his feeling of coldness went and rushed into my veins and started killing me. although the veins of pain and arteries of confusion runs into my body. still my mind keeps telling my system that he made a promise and he'll never break that. i guess thats how much i treasure every word he utters.

Days had passed and it was still his coldness that i'm feeling. i find myself crying from nights and days. alone, without him knowing what i was goin' through. i never ask him anything nor try to reach him from answers i wanted to know.

Until one day, we saw each other and i gave him the t-shirt that i made for him. the t-shirt that i was so eager to give him. after giving him, all he had said was thank you. from that moment, i wanted to slap him into his face and cry. but again i still stand and think of his promise.

Then i realize that i always find myself crying. i have my friends telling me to stop myself from crying. but tears suddenly runs down into my face striking every beat of my heart.

He texted me very often, but then i always keep his promise and he'll never break that.

The darkest day of my life. He texted me. he has something to say but doesn't know how he will start saying it. My legs were shaking as i was reading the message. as i darkly summarize his message saying na "habang tumatagal nawawala na" same as falling out of love.

that made me asked myself kung minahal ba talaga niya ko. it all happened so fast.

My knees fall apart. i can barely breath and i was crying so hard, good thing is i was with my friends at that time. i can feel the adrenaline rush into my veins. my nervous system was stucked connected with my frozen circulatory. my heart wasn't functioning.

i asked him if he is serious and he answered it "kahit naman kasi ayusin pa, hindi na rin magwowork."

i ask him to make a choice.

another intensified freezing moment. "ayoko na"

September 23. It all ended from there

it was so hard for me to think that it was all over. that it was all up to that day. that it was all done.

i can't utter any word after reading his message. i was frozen with my heart not working.

i was left alone. he left me all alone and broke his promises. the thought that i never believed in still fated to happen.

i guess that's really how a love story ends and how fate ends as well.

it's simply being left by someone we love.

someone who we thought would not hurt us but still chooses to hurt US.

someone like HIM that i started loving with all of me and yet ending up hurting and leaving me.

-KAITEE